Lessons for my Kids

Dedicated to Aram and Sam.

Kids ask good questions. Sometimes they ask what you think, and it is tempting to give them a quick answer and move on. But an answer can close a door just as easily as it can open one. I hope you learn to ask what you think, test the idea, and stay curious about what might change your mind.

These are reminders I want to share with you and keep practicing myself. I have not gotten everything right.

Learn How to Think

Never give up too quickly. But don't confuse persistence with refusing to learn. Failure can mean repeating the same mistake without asking what it can teach you. When an idea meets reality, pay attention to the result and adjust.

Critical thinking starts with questions. What do we know? How do we know it? What evidence would change our minds? Science is not a pile of facts to memorize so much as a way to test explanations against the world. Keep repeating the experiment, especially when the first result is the one you wanted.

Read widely. Read the newspaper to know what is happening beyond your own life; read stories like because curiosity and play matter too. Read people you agree with, and people who unsettle you. You can learn from a thinker without making any thinker your authority. Keep your own mind in the conversation.

Pay attention to what is good. That does not mean pretending hard things are fine. It means giving joy, gratitude, and the people who care for you their fair share of your attention. A mind can become skilled at finding what is wrong; practice noticing what is working, too.

“Genius is eternal patience.” Some ideas need time, and some skills come from doing ordinary things again and again. Don't demand an instant result from every effort. At the same time, look honestly at the evidence: patience is useful when something is growing, not when it is only keeping you from admitting that a plan has failed.

Choose What Matters

Think about the long-term consequences of what you do. A small decision can become a habit; a habit can shape a life. But don't postpone every pleasure until some distant version of success arrives. A good life needs balance: effort and rest, planning and spontaneity, caring for others and making room for yourself.

Success is getting what you want; happiness is liking what you get. Wanting things is not wrong. Just notice when the goalposts keep moving, and ask whether the thing you are chasing is worth what it asks of you. Envy and resentment can take up a lot of room. So can spending more than you earn. Try to stay cheerful even when life is difficult, without pretending that difficulty is easy. I wrote down a few other reminders about what makes a life feel rich in Lessons at 40.

Each of you will see the world differently and care about different things. Don't measure your life against someone else's. Notice the qualities you admire in other people and practice the ones that feel true to you, without trying to become a copy of them. Confidence comes from growing into your own values, not from winning a comparison.

Choose a partner who knows how to be happy in their own life. No one is happy all the time, and a relationship will not remove every hardship. Look for someone who can share joy, face trouble honestly, and make space for you to be a whole person too.

Make Something That Is Yours

If you build a business or choose a career, start with who you are and what genuinely interests you. There will always be someone to compete with. You do not have to make competition the reason you begin. Work is one way to contribute, learn, and earn a living; it can give you a sense of identity, but it should not be the only place you find one.

Money talks; wealth whispers; true wealth is silent. I take that to mean that the things most worth having do not always announce themselves. Enough time, good health, people you trust, meaningful work, and the freedom to make your own choices may matter more than being seen as successful. Money can make life safer and easier. It cannot tell you what a life is for.

Everyone needs meaning, and useful work can be one source of it. So can love, responsibility, learning, and service. A sense of purpose can help you live beyond your first impulse, but be careful not to let an identity or a job become a cage. You are more than the role you have today.

Criticize by creating. If something is poorly made or unfair, say so clearly; then consider what a better version would look like and whether you can help make it. Building is slower than breaking, and criticism alone is sometimes necessary. But creating gives an idea a chance to meet the world and become useful to someone.

Be Fair, and Repair What You Break

Try to see another person's point of view, even when you disagree. Understanding someone is not the same as agreeing with them. It gives you a better chance of responding to the real thing they mean, rather than the easiest version to argue against.

Own your mistakes. Apologize without making the other person comfort you, and do what you can to repair the harm. If you lose control of your emotions with your children, apologize to them. Being a parent does not make you right in every argument. A sincere apology does not weaken your authority; it shows what taking responsibility looks like.

Stick up for yourself and for other people when something is unfair. Fairness is more than being polite to the person in front of you. It also means caring whether people have equal rights and a real chance to live with security and dignity. When someone is treated unfairly, look at what is happening and what could change, not only at the labels people use to describe it.

You do not have to express every opinion openly. Some thoughts are still forming; some are better shared with a trusted friend than announced to everyone. Speak up when silence would cause harm, but remember that honesty and discretion can belong together.

Make a Life Together

Have shared experiences with your own kids as often as you can. Go places, make things, read together, and let ordinary days become part of your shared history. Keep some traditions because they help you feel connected, and make new ones when your family changes. Fitting in can make it easier to belong; standing out can make it possible to be yourself. Learn when each matters. Some good things are simply part of how our family lives.

“Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it” is useful advice for carrying a spare jacket or keeping a little money aside. It is less useful as a reason to collect everything or fear every possibility. Prepare where you can, then leave room for life to be lighter than your worst prediction.

I hope you keep asking questions, testing your ideas, and learning from other people's mistakes without reducing them to their worst moments. I hope you make things that feel true to you, and help make the world fairer for the people around you. More than anything, I hope we keep finding things to do and discover together.